


Calm. Cool. Collected.

by wispofgloom



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: Anxiety, Drinking, Drug Use, F/M, LGBTQ, M/M, Mild Domestic Violence, Smoking, Themes:, WARNINGS:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:00:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25398796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wispofgloom/pseuds/wispofgloom
Summary: Hyde keeps acting weird, and the gang decides to get to the bottom of it. As usual, Hyde doesn't want to deal with his feelings.Set right after Eric’s Buddy, but with some slight timeline inconsistencies.~~~I love this show with all of my heart, and Hyde is definitely my favourite character. I love writing with these characters because they are so distinct, and quite fun to write with, too. I decided that I wanted to write about how Hyde might deal with his feelings if he had anxiety, and then it kinda turned into him also being bisexual and having more than a little crush on a certain Forman boy. The OC is just to aid in me writing more about Hyde and his feelings, and is only briefly in the story.(xPosted to Wattpad!)
Relationships: Eric Forman/Donna Pinciotti, Eric Forman/Steven Hyde, Jackie Burkhart/Michael Kelso, Steven Hyde/Original Character(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

Eric was confused. Why is everyone standing around him like he’s going to die? They were just shooting hoops! And then.. then they started arguing. But he just fell and hit his— oh god. He’s bleeding. He’s really bleeding a lot, actually. It’s all over Hyde’s hands. What went wrong? The events quickly replay in his head. 

Donna takes a shot and _swish!_ The ball goes in the hoop and bounces in Hyde’s direction. “See, but what I don’t understand, is why he thought he could kiss you in the first place.” He passes the ball to Kelso. “Yeah, man! You must have been leading him on or something.” He takes a shot, which bounces off of the rim and Eric catches it. “I was not!” He exclaims, and looks around at his friends, holding the ball instead of taking a shot or passing. Usually Eric is pretty non-confrontational, but today, he wasn’t really having it. He was going to stand up for himself, damnit! “Why would I do that? Huh? You think I was asking for it?” Jackie takes the ball from him and passes it back to Donna. “Well Eric, I did hear him call you cute and instead of saying something like ‘Why did you say that?’ you said ‘aw, thanks!’” She takes her seat back on the hood of the Vista Cruiser, crossing her arms. Donna passes the ball to Hyde. “Jeez Eric,” Hyde starts, then taking a shot. _Swish!_ “Did he call you pretty too? What was your reply to that?” Donna laughs. “You are too, Buddy.” She clasps her hands together, bringing them up near her chin and smiling, effectively mocking him. The ball rolls on the ground near his feet. “Would you all cut it out? I’m not gay, alright?!” He takes a step back, trips over the ball and falls straight on his back, his head ricocheting off of the pavement.

His ears are ringing. Donna stands over him. “Are you okay?” She asks with concern in her voice but no one is panicked anymore. _Why is no one running to grab Kitty? Why are they all just standing there? I’m bleeding out on the driveway and no one is doing anything!_ Hyde sits back on the ground beside him staring at his hands. “I need to go get cleaned up while you guys make sure he’s not concussed.” He walks towards the house. _Where is he going?_ “How many fingers am I holding up?” Jackie asks, waving her hand around in front of Eric’s face. “Cut it out.” He swats her hand away weakly. Donna holds out her hand. “Come on, sit up.” He reaches for it and she pulls him so he’s sitting. He reaches a hand up to feel his head. _Oh, I’m not bleeding._ He sighs in relief. “Are you dizzy? Or tired?” Donna kneels beside him. “No, I think I’m okay.” 

He holds his head, wanting the simultaneous sharp sting and dull ache pulsing around the back of his skull to end. “Maybe we should go inside.” Kelso says, rubbing his arm and definitely feeling bad about what just happened, which seems like it would be a whole new feeling for him. “Yeah. Here, Eric.” Donna takes both of his hands this time, helping him to his feet. He sways slightly, a little bit dizzy, but probably not concussed. “Let's get you some frozen peas.” They all head into the kitchen, Kelso sitting at the counter, Eric and Jackie sitting at the table, Hyde at the sink running water over his scraped up hands, and Donna standing next to Eric after getting him frozen veggies to hold against his head. 

“I’m sorry, I really tried to catch you, man.” Hyde explains what happened to him. “I tripped though, so... you fell. I fell. Everyone gasped. You should’ve seen the look on your face when you saw the blood on my hands!” He laughs, taking some paper towel to dry his hands. Eric shakes his head. “I thought that was _my_ blood. You scared me!” He frowns a little. “Didn’t mean to.” he mumbles just loud enough for everyone to hear, then looks away and fiddles with the paper towel. “I really thought he was going to catch you for a moment. It was like everything was in slow motion.” Jackie rests her chin on her hand, leaning on the table and looking off into space. She switches her focus back to the group. “And then you both came crashing to the ground.” Donna looks at Kelso. “You were close to him, why didn’t you try to catch him?” Kelso, still laughing about what Jackie said, snaps to reality. “Who, me? Oh, well, I was just gonna let him fall.” Hyde leans forward and smacks the side of his head, recoiling and grabbing his hand after. He looks up at everyone. “It was worth it.” 

Now they’re downstairs, sitting around the table. “Kelso, you are not rolling.” Hyde says flatly. “Why not?” Kelso sounds disappointed, like a little kid who just got told they can’t have any ice cream. “Because it's my weed and I don’t want you wasting it by rolling bad joints.” Hyde is always the one to roll, because he’s the only one who’s any good at it. Unfortunately for everyone, his hands are all scraped up and so rolling a joint isn’t really something he can do at the moment. “You guys never let me do anything.” Kelso huffs and pouts in his seat, but everyone ignores him and moves on. “Have any of you even rolled before?” Eric and Donna both guiltily raise their hands, having dipped into Hydes stash, that for some reason is left in Eric’s basement, on a couple occasions when they were alone. “When did you- nah, know what? It doesn’t matter. Eric will probably screw it up too because he’s got a head injury-” Eric attempts to protest with an “I’m fine” but Hyde dismisses him with a wave. “Donna, you roll.” “Okay.” She begins and everyone continues talking, but Hyde is watching her closely.

“That's not half bad.” he says as he holds it up and examines it. He lights it and takes it first. “Pretty good, actually.” He blows out the smoke and passes it Eric’s way. “Here, you need this. It’ll make you feel better.” Eric shakes his head once more but takes it, and passes it on. As they pass it around, Eric wonders just when Hyde got this protective. He’s worrying over him almost as much as his mom does, and it’s confusing. Usually Hyde doesn’t care, he would’ve laughed at Eric falling down and hurting himself. He decides not to think about it anymore right now, because maybe he’s just overthinking it. “So, did we decide if Eric is gay or not?” Jackie asks at a lull in conversation. “I think we came to the conclusion that he’s not.” Donna says, wrapping an arm around him. She’s sitting with Eric to her right on the couch, Jackie to her left, and Michael is in the chair next to the couch beside Jackie. “Hey, man. None of that crap matters. Who gives a shit anyway? Can we just drop it?” They all look over at him, all slightly confused, but they agree that ‘yeah, who gives a shit?’ and keep having fun. 

Everything is chill for a while, they talk about music and tv, Hyde grabs some beer for himself from his ‘secret stash’ in the back. All is good, until… “But that’s not how it goes, Kelso! You just made up an _entire_ episode! You must have dreamt it or something!” “No, Eric. I’m pretty sure it’s real. Maybe _you’re_ the one who’s dreaming!” “I’ve seen the show _so_ many times, you’ve watched it like, once! And you probably weren’t even watching it half the time because you have the attention span of a goldfish!” Kelso stands, ready to fight. “I do not!” “Hey!! Dude, chill the fuck out! Sit down, Kelso. I don’t want you guys fighting like that.” Hyde commands, and everyone looks at him once again, but just as the first time, no one argues, and no one says anything. Just like always, actually. Picking a fight with Hyde is almost always a huge mistake.

Things are calm for about another five minutes. “All I’m saying is that she wouldn’t have gotten in that situation in the first place if-“ The room goes from calm and quiet to anger and shouting as fast as Kelso could flap his lips. It stays like this for only a few moments until Hyde speaks up again. “Guys, guys!” He slams a fist on the table and stands up. “Stop fighting! Calm the hell down. Please.” His voice gets quieter, making him sound a little bit more desperate as he goes on. Everyone is silent. Hyde grabs his beer, finishing it. They all look around at each other, no one really knowing what to say, resulting in the room being completely quiet for a little while. “So uh, school tomorrow, huh.” Eric says, looking over at Kelso and Jackie. “Yeah, school.” Jackie echoes. Kelso nods, and the two stand. “We should get going. See you guys tomorrow.” And with Jackie’s goodbye, they head out. Donna looks over to Eric and Steven. “I should probably get going too. Sorry about all of that.” She apologizes as if any of it was really her fault, Eric hugs her goodbye, and she leaves as well.

Almost as soon as she’s gone, Hyde stands, grabbing his other beer from the floor next to his chair and plopping down on the couch next to Eric. He opens it, the crisp _tssssh_ of the can opening cutting through the tense air. They sit in a silence that isn’t comfortable or uncomfortable for a while, before Eric turns on the tv. Gilligan’s Island is on, and the captain is shouting at Gilligan for a stupid mistake he made. Hyde shuts it off. Silence once more. “Hey, Eric?” He doesn’t look over, just stares ahead at the now-dark screen. “Yeah?” Eric turns to face him, which Hyde ignores. “You ever wish you had a different life?” Eric just stares at him, trying to decipher what this question was really about, but comes up empty handed. “Like, different family? Or being a different person?” Hyde shrugs. “Both, I guess.” He thinks for a while. He has wished that, sometimes. Wishes he wasn’t so skinny, or maybe that his dad told him he loved him a bit more. “I mean, sometimes, but not really.” Hyde actually looks over to him now. “The hell is that supposed to mean?” Eric’s eyes widen at the inquisition. “Uh, just like, I wish I wasn’t, I dunno… I mean I don’t hate my life. It’s a pretty good life, I guess.” Hyde nods. “I’d kill for your life, man.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, holding his beer with both hands. Eric kinda knows what he means. Hyde hasn’t exactly had a great life, and he always seems the happiest when he’s not at home. Eric remembers that despite hating school so much, Hyde would come every single day when they were young and couldn’t skip, even if he was sick, just so that he didn’t have to stay at home. “Yeah..”

And with that, silence falls once again. It stays silent for a long time, Hyde taking the odd sip of his beer, Eric just fiddling with his own hands, not really knowing what to say or do. He doesn’t want to go to bed just yet, and he also doesn’t want to send Hyde home. He gets the idea that it’s not a good place for him right now. He also thinks about everything that happened that night. How he kept telling everyone off, quieting everyone down. He decided to break the silence, and ask the question that's been burning in his mind. “Why do you keep getting so upset about the fighting?” 

The truth is, it hadn’t just been that night that Hyde had told everyone to shut it. Lately, anytime anyone would shout or bicker, he couldn’t stand it. He would walk away, make everyone calm down. The other day he straight up told Kelso to fuck off. No one had said anything about it to one another, but they were definitely all thinking about it. Hyde was on edge, and Eric wanted to know why. 

“Why do you guys have to fight all the damn time? It’s loud and annoying and for once it would be nice to have a nice, chill night. No yelling, no arguing. Don’t you want it to stop, too?” Hyde takes the last sip of his beer, crushes the can and tosses it on the table. “I’m tired of it, man.” He sighs and leans back into the couch, crossing his arms. Eric nods. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.” He looks over at Hyde, whose eyes are now closed, and examines him. He was hiding something, he had to be. He’s never cared about it before, and sometimes he was even a part of it. “Are you sure that's it?” Eric asks hesitantly, not wanting to pry, but being genuinely concerned about what’s going on inside of Hyde’s head, and life, too. “Yeah. What else would it be?” He opens his eyes and looks over towards Eric, asking as if the concern was completely unwarranted. Eric shrugs. “I dunno. Nevermind.” The silence returns, and after a few minutes Eric decides that he should probably go get some sleep. “Well, I’m gonna go to bed now.” He stands, and so does Hyde. “Alright, I’ll head out then.” Eric shakes his head. “No, you don’t have to. You can stay here if you want. Just make sure my parents don’t see you leave in the morning.” Hyde stares at him for a moment, wondering if Eric somehow actually knows what he’s thinking, or what’s going on at home, but he concludes that there’s no way he could possibly, and nods. “Thanks.” He sits back down. Staring at the black screen once again. “Goodnight, Forman.” Eric heads for the stairs. “Night Hyde.” 

_Can he read my mind?_ The thought flashes through Steven’s head as he plops back down onto the couch. He decides to take a moment of introspection, thinking over his actions and words. He doesn’t think that he’d said or done anything concerning. Why did Eric care that he wanted peace and quiet? Why did he care about him at all? He kicks off his boots and sits cross-legged on the couch. He’s glad he doesn’t have to go home. He knows for sure Edna’s new boyfriend will be there, and he’s pretty sure they’ll both be drunk and either fighting, or… He doesn’t want to think about it. He’s in Forman’s basement, his safe space, his quiet space. The place he sneaks back into after pretending to leave so that he doesn’t have to go home on nights he knows he won’t be alone. He had stopped for a while, sleeping at the Fotohut instead, until Leo found him one morning and asked if he was homeless, to which he responded “No, just got in an argument and didn’t want to go home.” Before promptly leaving for school. He wishes he could go back there but he doesn’t want Leo getting suspicious and asking him more questions. Leo is one of his best friends, but there’s no way he’s letting _any_ of his friends, no matter the dynamic of friendship, know about what’s bothering him so much. He’s calm, cool, collected Hyde. He’s got his mind palace, he’s relaxed and wise. He’s not anxious. He’s not fidgety. He doesn’t care too much or worry about anything. Never.

Not when anyone is around, anyways.

He sighs as he stands and walks over to grab another couple of beers. He can’t stop his mind from racing, so he’s drinking to slow it down a little. He thinks of smoking another joint to help him sleep so that maybe he can get up for his math test tomorrow, but the thought of going to class makes him feel sick. He wants to sleep forever. He couldn’t care less if he fails or not. _Wait.._ his train of thought stops dead in its tracks. _Why did everyone stare at me when I said the stuff about dropping the gay shit? What were they all thinking? Have they caught on to something? What do they think of me?_ He starts to panic. _Why would they think anything, Steven? You’re straight, you like girls. Why does it matter if they think anything? You can easily change their minds, they’ll believe anything you say._ He can’t stop though. He can’t convince himself. _Maybe I should just tell them. Tell them what, exactly? That I have no idea who I am anymore? No, no one wants to hear that, they’ll all think I’m weird and they’ll feel sorry for me. They’ll treat me like a charity case. You can’t talk to anyone about this, you’re a man. You’ve only ever had yourself. You’re the only one you can trust. Mind palace. Mind palace. Mind- fuck! I can’t think anymore! I don’t want to think anymore!_ He chugs another can. He rolls a sloppy, shitty joint with his wrecked hands and smokes it. He flips on the tv again. He can’t stop thinking. He turns it off and focuses on the dark screen. Dark. Sleep. Just sleep. He lays down. _“Are you sure that’s it?” What did he mean? What did he expect me to say? Did he expect more? Does he know about the constant fighting in my house? Did somehow he hear that my neighbours called the cops on Enda and whatever his name was? I can’t even remember his name now. Not that it matters. He knows, he must know everything._ **_Everything_ ** _. Fuck._ He sits up, his breathing heavy. He should go for a walk, he thinks, but stumbles when he goes to stand. _No, Steven. Stay here._ There is a brief pause in his thoughts before _I should go talk to Eric. I need to know what he knows._ He stands again, practically falling over this time. _Okay. Tomorrow. I’ll talk tomorrow. I’m tired now…_ He lays down once again and falls almost straight to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

“Eric, sweetie, can you go get some chicken out of the freezer downstairs please? I need to defrost it for dinner tonight.” Eric heads towards the basement stairs. “Sure thing mom.” He jogs down, and upon reaching the bottom, notices the bunch of cans on the table, and the passed-out Hyde on the couch. He sighs, going over to wake him. “Hey, Hyde, dude, it’s almost time to go to school.” He lightly shakes his shoulder. “Mmm…” Hyde covers his face with his arm, and shifts so that he’s laying more on his stomach. “Hyde, c’mon.” He shakes him a bit more. Hyde swats at him, pushing him away. Eric sighs, frowning. “We have a math test today.” “Hmm.. I can’t go.” He mumbles, his face pressed into the couch. Eric grabs the cans off of the table and brings them to a garbage bag they have by the shower. “You’re gonna fail math, man.” Hyde doesn’t say or do anything, so Eric just walks over to the freezer. “Whatever. See you after school then.” He grabs the chicken and heads upstairs. _I need to figure out what’s going on with him._

“Seriously? What the hell!” Donna says what everyone was thinking, and they all stare at Eric as he tells them what happened with Hyde. “So he just got drunk and crashed on your couch? And he’s still there?” Jackie questions, and Eric sighs. “That's not the point. To be honest I don’t really care about that. I’m worried about him, guys. He’s been acting... weird.” Fez nods. “I think I have noticed what you mean. He’s been very grumpy lately.” Donna frowns. “Yeah, more so than usual. He’s been pretty insistent about the no-fighting thing. I don’t think he was telling the full truth to you, Eric.” “Me neither. He also asked me something weird when everyone left and we were just sitting there. It kinda caught me off guard.” Kelso looks up from his lunch, with a mouthful of sandwich. “Whahs tha?” He keeps chewing as he looks questioningly at Eric who just stares at him and all his stupidity for a moment before giving him an answer. “He asked me if I ever wished I had a different life.” Everyone is quiet for a few moments until Donna speaks up. “That’s a concerning question.” “Yeah! That's what I thought! Except I didn’t know what to say so I just answered him.” “What did you answer?” Fez looks at him, seeming to be genuinely curious. “Well I said sometimes, but not really. Sometimes I do but I don’t hate my life, because really it’s pretty good.” “Then what did he say?” Jackie asks. “He said he’d kill for my life. Which is sad but I can’t really blame him.” He picks at the leftover mashed potatoes he had brought for lunch. “We should talk to him.” Donna suggests, though it comes off as more of an order than a suggestion. They all agree to meet at Eric’s after school and have a sort of intervention.

When Hyde wakes up, it must be some time in the afternoon because the house is completely quiet. He rubs his eyes and forehead. He’s still tired and has a slight headache. He decides to venture upstairs for a glass of water, knowing that no one could be home. He’s happy to be right when he comes into the kitchen, all of the lights off and the only sound filling the room being the soft hum of the refrigerator. He grabs a glass from the cupboard and fills it, then sits down at the kitchen table. He stares at the cup of water a while before actually taking a sip, his head full of thoughts once again. “I need to chill out.” he mumbles aloud to himself. He drinks half of the glass before putting his head down on the cool wood of the table. It’s almost refreshing. _What the hell is my life?_ He thinks to himself about how he, instead of being at school, is sat in his friend’s kitchen after just waking up at two o’clock in the afternoon. _I can’t wait to get the hell out of Point Place. Just take my car, drive until I can find somewhere bearable, start over. Get a job, apartment, maybe a cat. Leave all of this behind._ For a moment everything he’s hyping his future up to be sounds great, until he starts to get sad. _But would I want to lose all of my friends?_ He isn’t sure. On one hand, he would miss them more than he’d care to admit, but on the other, would they miss him? _Do they even care that I’m there half the time? I feel like I just watch most of their conversations these days. Do they even notice-_ “Steven?” He’s snapped away from his thoughts by a gentle, concerned voice coming from the glass door of the kitchen. “Mrs. Forman…” He looks up at her, immediately beginning to panic. “Why are you in my kitchen and not at school?” She asks as she sets down her purse, not angry or upset, just very concerned. His heart feels like it’s beating out of his chest. _What_ **_am_ ** _I doing here?_ “I- uh…” He doesn’t have a good lie. Any believable lie that he could tell would still partially be the truth. He ends up just sitting there and staring at her. She sighs, walking over and pulling the kettle out. 

“You’re home early.” Is what he ends up saying as she’s filling it with water. She shakes her head. “I was told to go home because they’re going to be very short staffed on the night shift and so I offered to work. Now, how about I make us some tea and you can tell me why you’re here?” She sets the kettle on the stovetop, turning it on and drying her hands on a teatowel. He shifts his glass on the table. “Okay.”

He can’t believe how relieved he starts to feel as he begins to tell her a few things about what’s going on. She sits and listens to him, coaxing little bit by little bit for what must be half an hour before she lets him stop. He didn’t realise but at some point he had started getting shaky, and now his breathing was uneven and he couldn’t keep his hands steady. He rests them on the table and looks down at his cup of tea. Kitty doesn’t say anything for a little while, and he wonders if maybe he shouldn’t have even said as much, or rather, as little as he did. “Steven.” She reaches out and sets a comforting hand atop his. “I know I can’t help you very much, but you are always welcome in our home. You can stay downstairs whenever you need to. If you need a meal, you are welcome at our table. But, I don’t want you skipping class. I know all of this must be very hard for you and I can’t begin to imagine _everything_ that’s going on.” She pauses a moment when he looks up at her before continuing as she was. “But, you need to go to class. It’s important. Especially if you want to get out of here. You need to graduate.” He nods. His heart is still racing and his hands are still shaky but somehow, he feels a lot better. A lot more calm. “Yes Mrs. Forman. Thank you.” She gives him a soft smile before standing to hug him. He hugs her back and they stay like this for a short while, he rests his chin on her shoulder. This is the safest, warmest, and most calm he has felt in a very long time and he is so, so happy that he managed to tell someone. “I won’t tell anyone about this little conversation.” She tells him as she gently pulls away, and he nods as a silent thank you. “Now, I need to go rest. You go on downstairs, Red will be home around three today.” He nods once more. “Sleep well.” She nods back, taking her purse with her and heading upstairs. 

Hyde returns to the basement, laying back down on the couch. He’s exhausted all over again. He feels like he just ran a marathon. It doesn’t take long before he’s back to sleep, but he’s not asleep long before he’s forcibly awoken. “Hyde, seriously? You’re _still_ sleeping?” He jumps when he sees that he is surrounded. “Shit.” He sits up and rubs his eyes. “What time is it?” He asks, looking around the room. “It’s almost four.” Donna says flatly. “Oh, crap.” He stands, looking around. “I have to-” “Oh-ho ho ho. Oh no. You’re not going anywhere.” Kelso grabs him from behind and they force him to sit back down on the couch. Donna sits on one side of him, Kelso on the other, Eric in Hyde’s usual chair, Jackie on the stool, and Fez in the other chair, with everyone pulled in close. “Steven,” Jackie starts. “We’re all concerned about you.” _Oh boy. Here we go._ “Why?” He asks, pretending as if the past few days hadn’t happened. “Why? Because you’ve been acting so weird!” Donna exclaims and Eric continues. “You got drunk last night and slept all day in _my house_ and you say everything is fine but, newsflash, fine people don’t do that!” Hyde looks around and he starts to get really overwhelmed. Everyone is coming at him with questions, comments and concerns, but somehow he manages to control it. “I’m sorry about that, man. I was just bored.” Everyone stares at him blankly for a minute. “Do you remember what you said last night?”

Now for a moment, Hyde feels his heart stop. _What did I say? What did I say?_ ** _What_** _the_ ** _hell_** _did I say?_ He can’t breathe. He can’t remember. He has no idea what Eric is talking about. Did he say something? _What did I say?!_ _I didn’t think I said anything? What is he talking about?_ He’s panicking again. He doesn’t know what he said. “What’s that?” He raises an eyebrow and pretends everything is fine, like the room isn’t spinning around them. “You just asked me out of the blue if I ever wished I had a different life and you told me you’d kill for mine.” He can breathe again. “Yeah, I remember.” He can control this. “So what?” They all look at each other. “What does that mean? Because it sounds like you are unhappy.” Fez leans forward a bit more, awaiting a response to his question. “I’m good, actually,” He tries to stand again only to be forced down by the people on either side of him. “Really? Because it doesn’t seem like you are.” Cool, even Kelso noticed. Hyde sighs, and looks over at Eric. “You know that was a private conversation, right? You tell all of them _everything_ we talk about, or was this a one time thing?” Eric blushes, embarrassed that he may have betrayed Hyde’s trust a little. “It was a one time thing because there were a bunch of other things that made us all concerned about you, okay?” Steven nods. “Well, I appreciate the concern, but I’m not going to talk to you guys about my life. What happens at home is private and it doesn’t matter or affect any of you. I’m fine, so shove off.” He stands again, pushing Donna and Kelso’s hands away when they try to grab him once more. He storms out, slamming the door behind him. 

“Well that went well.” Jackie says sarcastically, and Kelso looks at her like she’s completely stupid. “Jackie, I don’t know if you’re blind or something, but I’m pretty sure that went horribly.” Everyone just stares at him, blinking. “Kelso, I was being sarcastic.” “Well how am I supposed to know? Everything you say sounds like that.” Donna sighs. “Guys, what are we gonna do?” Eric wracks his brain for a solution. “I dunno.” He tries to think harder, analysing everything that Hyde had said. He knows that he won’t talk, but if he can just get a clue as to what might be going on, maybe they can help somehow. “Maybe it would be better if only one of us tries to talk with him.” Fez suggests. “That might be our best bet.” Donna looks over at Eric. “I think you should talk to him. “Me? Why me?” “You’re his closest friend.” Jackie isn’t wrong. Out of anyone, he’d probably trust Eric the most, even despite the fact that he had sort of ruined it a little bit by sharing a private conversation with everyone else before. “Yeah, I guess so, huh?” He thinks about Hyde’s words again. _I’ve got it. “what happens at home”. Something must be going on with Edna._ “I’ll try later tonight, he’s bound to come back at some point.” Donna nods. “And if he doesn’t?” “Well, then, the next time he’s over here. I think I have an idea of how to unsuspectingly get him alone, too.” 

_Shit_ . Hyde walks quickly down the damp sidewalk through the cool, grey, late November afternoon with no coat on. _I can’t believe I left my damn jacket._ He also regrets not bringing his car. It’s a long walk to the Fotohut from Eric’s and he’s going to be late. He decides to just go home and get it, risking going in the house and having to listen to the bullshit while he grabs the keys. He changes direction slightly, heading instead for his place. He slows as he gets closer to his driveway, really not wanting to face what he knows he’s probably about to. He steps inside, grimacing at the smell of the place. It smells just like a cheap motel; warm beer, disappointing sex and old cigarettes. _Right, Charles. That’s his name. Charles the Chimney._ That’s what Hyde had nicknamed him because he smokes probably three packs a day. “I swear to GOD!! I’ll FUCKING KILL YOU!!” She slurs, and Hyde can hear them moving around. He climbs over the couch and goes into his room, quickly grabbing his keys, wallet, another jacket and some fresh clothes, throwing the jacket on and stuffing the rest into his schoolbag. “YOU CAN TRY, YOU FUCKING CUNT!” He grabs his toothbrush from the bathroom and retreats back to the main room as fast as he possibly can. He’s there, heading for the door, when he almost runs straight into Charles. “What the fuck? When did you get here?” Steven feels so small, because he kind of is, compared to this guy. He’s about 8 inches shorter and he probably weighs half as much. He towers over him. “Steven, you little shit! Where the hell have you been?” She grabs him, and he immediately recoils, pulling away and stumbling back towards Charles. “Who the fuck cares? I’m not done with you!” He pushes past Steven and runs after Edna. She runs to the kitchen, the next room over, and grabs a bottle from the counter, throwing it in his direction. It whizzes past, hurdling through the air, and Steven ducks just in time for it to miss his head and crash into the wall beside the front door, shattering on impact into a wet mess of rum and glass. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!” He hears her scream as he races out the door, the broken shards crunching under his boot on his way out. He flies down the front steps and into his car, peeling out of the driveway and down the street away from whatever the fuck he just walked into.

He breathes for the first time in what felt like minutes when he stops for the one light in town, and runs his trembling hands over his face. _Fuck!_ The moment he had ducked to miss the 40 that had flown past his head keeps replaying through his mind. _It was still at least half full._ When he gets to the tiny box that is his place of work, he just sits in his car for a few minutes, breathing and calming himself down. _I can’t go home tonight. Will I ever be able to go home again?_ He keeps breathing, long, deep breaths until he decides he’s alright, slowly gets up, and heads inside. “Hey, Leo. Sorry I’m late I just… I don’t have an excuse, actually. I completely lost track of time.” “Hey, don’t worry about it, man. Today has been the slowest day ever. I’ve been passing the time by playing cards, but I keep losing. You wanna try?” Hyde takes a seat. “Sure.” 

“I haven’t had a single customer, and everyone who pulls up just turns around and leaves, I can’t believe it!” Hyde looks up at the window, and bursts out laughing. “That’s because you’ve been closed all day.” Leo gives him a confused look. “What do you mean, man?” Hyde has to catch his breath and stop laughing before he responds. “The sign, man! You didn’t flip it to open!” Leo points. “It says open right there!” “How much have you smoked today?” He flips the sign around. “That’s the side that needs to face out!” Leo starts to laugh too. “Hey, you’re right!” After they’re finished laughing, Leo turns the sign back around to “closed”. “What are you doing?” Hyde asks, he laughs again and goes to change it, but is quickly stopped by Leo grabbing his arm. “You know what man? If we were closed all day, we might as well stay closed. There’s only another hour anyways. Lets go.” Hyde’s smile fades. “Oh, okay. Thanks!” He tries to act happy. “I’ll see you on Monday.” Leo waves. “See ya later, dude.” Hyde goes and sits in his car. He rests his head and hands on the steering wheel, drumming it with his fingers to no beat in particular. _Do I want to be interrogated again, or do I want to be killed?_ He decides that he doesn’t really feel like dying today, and takes the long, long, long way to Eric’s house so that he can think of how to get them all off his back when he gets there.

He parks down the street so that no one will notice him staying overnight. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever questions they’re going to ask now as he walks through the basement door. “Hey.” Everyone looks over, but only for a moment. “Hey, Hyde.” Eric is the only one to reply. He looks back towards the tv screen which is playing a rerun of some Star Wars episode. “I think _all_ of you are wrong.” Donna rolls her eyes. “No one cares what you think, Kelso.” “Yeah,” Fez adds, “You were not a part of this before.” Hyde makes his way over to his seat while Jackie speaks. “Really, Micheal? You’re not going to take my side?” “Well.. I guess you had the best points..” “How did _she_ have the best points? Is no one even listening to what I’m saying?” Eric flips off the tv and sits up from his relaxed position on the couch. “If you guys are gonna keep talking about this can you take it outside? I’ve been listening to you argue for the past 20 minutes.” Donna stands. “Fine.” She heads for the door, Fez and Jackie following her. “Come on, Michael!” “I thought I wasn’t a part of this?” “You just said I had the best points, you’re on my side now. Get over here!” She drags him away, and the door slams shut behind them all. _And scene._ Eric thinks to himself, happy that they could do such a convincing job.

“Jeez, 20 minutes?” Eric looks over towards his remaining friend. “Yeah,” _he bought it._ “I didn’t think you’d want to listen to it, and I wasn’t invested anymore.” Hyde nods as he leans forward, pulling out his Zippo and lighting the incense on the table. They return to their habit of silence, though this time comfortable while Hyde goes and grabs his “special baggie”. The soundscape of the room, once the talkative voices of their friends, shifts to the buzzing of the speaker that was left on, the churning of the clothes in the dryer, and the soft crunch of Hyde rolling a joint. Before he’s even halfway done, they simultaneously break the tranquility of the room. “Hey” They look up at each other. “You first.” Eric gestures towards Hyde, who shakes his head. “No, you.” He focuses back on the task he made for himself. “Uh, well.. I don’t really know how to say this.” Hyde feels his chest tighten. He doesn’t stop breathing, never wanting to look uneasy, especially when he knows Eric is observing him so closely. “Just go for it, man.” He doesn’t look up, because he feels his face starting to heat up. _Am I breathing normally? Do I look weird? What the hell is he about to say?_ Eric shifts a little in his seat. “Well…I don’t know.. I just, I _know_ there's something wrong, and I want you to know I’m here for you. You don’t have to tell me what it is or whatever, but please, I need to know that I’m not crazy, here.” He can feel Eric staring at him. He makes the mistake of momentarily glancing up to make eye contact, as he was about to prove him wrong, but as soon as their eyes meet, it feels like Eric’s seen his soul. 

He can’t say anything. He can’t force himself to speak, he keeps opening and closing his mouth, but no words come out. He looks back down at his almost-rolled joint, and attempts to finish it while shifting the room back to the state of stark wordlessness it had been in before. _Why does he have to be like this? Why can’t I just be chill? Why can’t I hide everything like I normally do? What the hell is wrong with me? What do I even say? I don’t want him to know anything. I don’t want anyone to know. I need to chill the fuck out. Calm down, Hyde. Calm down. Deep breath._ He takes a short, but deep breath. “Is it something with your mom?” The words leave his mouth at hardly more than a whisper, but his tone is clear; careful, knowing, concerned, remorseful. _How does he know? I swear he can read my mind. I can’t tell him anything, but I can’t stay silent or he’ll keep asking me questions. Why did I fuck up and make it so damn obvious that something is wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me except for the fact I’m not careful enough and I have a shitty, shitty family life. Everyone knows I have a shitty family already, because it’s kind of obvious. But usually it never bothers me. Why am I so bothered? Why can’t I just calm down? I do have something wrong with me. What the hell is wrong with me?_

“Yeah.” He breathes, biting his lip hard. He doesn’t want to burden Eric with this shit. He even sort of regrets telling Kitty even the short bit that he did, but she managed to coax it out of him. She wasn’t going to let him go without knowing _exactly_ what was troubling him, because she cares so much about him. She’s like a real mother to him, and he trusts her. He trusts Eric too, but only as far as he can throw him. No further. He doesn’t need it to be any different, though. Eric doesn’t need to know his problems, he doesn’t want him to worry about him because then he’ll never stop. _No one should know my problems._ Hyde decides for himself. _They’re_ _my_ _problems for a reason. I can deal with them myself._ He notices that tremble has returned to his hands as he grabs his lighter and puts the joint to his lips. Eric watches as Hyde takes a long drag, and as he unsteadily exhales. When he’s done, he carefully takes it from Steven’s shaking hand. His face is expressionless, but his uncontrollable quiver tells Eric everything he was afraid of. He’s not ‘fine’. He, too, takes a fairly long drag, coughing a bit at the dry burning in the back of his throat. They go back and forth another time before Eric speaks. “What is it?” Hyde sighs. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” He takes another drag before handing the rest to Eric and walking over to the freezer. He grabs a popsicle. “Want one?” Eric holds up his hand, and Hyde tosses it his way. When he sits back down, it’s on the couch to Eric’s right. 

He can’t believe how wrong he was about how much Eric actually cares. He thought they were only still friends because they grew up together and Hyde kept people off of his back. They didn’t have much in common, really, but they did always get along. For as long as he can remember, they only had one fight. It was stupid, too. It was over Donna. Hyde’s not even sure how he feels about her, because she’s not the only one he has feelings for. Plus, she’s not as much his type, and they’ve known each other too damn long. _Why did I even try and fight with him over her? Oh._ He remembers. _I got caught up in a lie. I had to say I liked Donna because if I didn’t like her then-_ “Hyde!” Eric waves his hand in front of his face. “Hm?” He turns to look at him. “Do you mind. if I. turn on. the tv?” Eric asks, exasperated. “I only asked you like, four times.” Hyde looks towards the screen. “Oh yeah, sorry. Sure, that’s fine.” Eric flips it on, and it goes back to Star Wars reruns. “Can we just watch cartoons or something?” His voice sounds almost disembodied, like he’s not there anymore. “Yeah! Whatever you want, man.” He switches it to a channel that’s playing Looney Tunes. “That better?” He looks over, and Hyde just has a glassy eyed look on his face as he stares at the colourful animations. “Mhm.” Eric, who was smiling at the thought of doing something to make Hyde happy, goes straight back to being worried. _He_ had smoked most of the joint, Hyde shared like half of it and then gave him the rest. Why is he so gone? 

Eric watches him watch the show, but he’s pretty sure he’s not even watching it. He can see the reflection in his glasses of Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. And then, from his angle, sitting beside him, he can see behind the glasses. He blinks every now and then, very slowly. “Are you okay right now?” _No, Forman. Isn’t it obvious? I_ **_,_ ** _Steven Hyde, want to watch_ _cartoons_ _. Have I ever, as long as you’ve known me, wanted to watch cartoons?_ Eric waits for a response for a few moments, and when he doesn’t get one, he sighs, switching the tv back off again. “Hyde, look at me.” Hyde’s chest tightens again. _Would he just leave me alone? Why can’t he just drop this? Am I not making it clear enough that I don’t want to talk to him?_ “Why did you turn it off?” He responds weakly, and still he doesn’t give Eric what he wants. He will not look into those goddamn soul-searching eyes again. “Because I’m talking to you. Now please, look at me.” _No. I won’t. You see right through me. You see my thoughts like they pop out of my eyes or something._ He tries so hard. He slowly turns his head, trying to avoid eye contact, but Eric manages to get it by lowering his head to look into Steven’s eyes. “What?” Hyde’s annoyed. He’s crumbling on the inside and Eric is making it way too hard to stay at least somewhat collected on the outside. “This isn’t you, man.” Hyde just blinks at him for a few moments. _No, Eric. It’s just not the ‘me’ that you know. Not the ‘me’ that anyone knows, or will know, because this ‘me’ fucking sucks. I hate it. It’s not who I want to be. Why am I like this? Why can’t I control being like this?_ He looks down at his hands, fidgeting with his fingers, and not speaking for a long while. Eric is about to ask if he heard him when Hyde finally responds. “You’re right. It’s not me.” 

He kicks off his boots, pulling his knees up towards his chest, and resting his arms atop his knees. _Who is it, then? Who the hell am I anymore?_ He feels like he’s having an identity crisis. “You can talk to me, man.” Eric sets a reassuring hand on his shoulder, Hyde feels heat spread across his chest and up his neck. “Seriously, please, talk to me. What's going on?” He fidgets with his hands, wanting to look over at Eric but knowing it's a bad idea that will result in him spilling more secrets. “I told you, it’s shit with Edna.” He pulls a loose string from a hole in his jeans, rolling it into a ball and flicking it across the room. “I also kinda just feel like crap, man.” He sighs heavily, pulling his knees closer to his chest. He closes his eyes. _Maybe,_ he thinks, _Maybe if I just close my eyes, Eric will just go away?_ _Ha! He’s moving! He’s definitely getting up, he’s probably leaving. Wait, what is he doing?_ Hyde feels Eric wrap his arms around him and pull him into a tight hug. He doesn’t know what to do. Every part of his body feels like it’s vibrating, and though that might be the half-joint he smoked, he wants it to stop. He’s too damn touch starved for Eric to be just throwing his arms around him like he’s some chick that needs a shoulder to cry on. Part of him, though, really wants to lean into it, to give in and be held, like he had with Kitty earlier in the kitchen. He ends up recoiling within a few seconds, shoving Eric away and frogging him in the shoulder. “Ow! What was that for?” “Why did you hug me?” “I don’t know! You’re upset and I don’t know what else to do!” He sits away from Hyde by the end of the couch. 

_This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here. Death would have been better than this._ “I’m gonna go home.” Hyde stands and marches towards the door. “Are you sure?” Eric hurries after him. “Because you can stay here again if you-” “I’m sure. I’m fine.” He heads out the door, leaving Eric standing alone in his basement. _Should I just let him go?_ Eric steps back to sit on the arm of the couch. _He said the stuff that’s upsetting him is with his mom and now he’s gonna go home? Maybe she’s not there. Yeah, she’s probably not home. She’s like, the village whore._ Eric takes a more comfortable seat in the middle of the couch and turns the cartoons back on. He sits there for a few minutes before getting up and heading out the door after Hyde.

 _I cannot believe I am going home right now._ Hyde walks briskly through the frigid night air. The skin on his arms comes alive with goosebumps, and he shivers at the change in temperature. The basement was so warm, especially with Eric practically pressed into his side. _Can I even drive? Yeah, I’ll be fine, it’s just around the block._ He finally gets to his car, hopping in and taking the short drive back to his house. When he gets there, the house is dark apart from the tv shining a dim light out of the living room window. _Fuck._ He sits in the driveway for a long minute before he slowly makes his way into the house. His mom is passed out on the couch that blocks the way to his room, an empty bottle of wine on the floor next to her and the tv blaring. The glass from earlier still litters the floor by his feet as he stands in the doorway. He sighs, picking her up and carrying her to her room. She doesn’t wake up or make a sound as he does this, or as he tucks her in, leaves and returns with a glass of water, and cleans up the bottles and cans littered around her side of the bed. He sweeps up the glass in the living room and tosses it in the garbage. Once he’s done, he turns off the tv, flicks on the light in the kitchen and slumps down into a chair at the very-cluttered table. 

After only a few minutes, he hears a soft knock at the front door. He can see from his seat that it’s Eric, making him wish he hadn’t turned on the light. After a lingering internal debate, he shuffles over and opens it. “What the hell are you doing?” He demands in a hushed tone. “I wanted to make sure you were gonna be okay, here.” “I’ve lived here my entire life, I’ll be fine.” He goes to close the door but Eric catches it, pushing it back open. “Yeah but,” he grabs Hyde’s wrist. “You shouldn’t have had to.” He moves his hand from his wrist to his shoulder. “You still shouldn’t have to.” Hyde shrugs, looking to the floor, because maybe it will have some advice about what to do right now. He looks up while he’s talking. “Why do you care, Forman? You never seemed to before. You’ve been to my house lots of times and you never questioned how I live. What changed, huh?” He brushes Eric’s hand away from him. “And why do you keep touching me?”

Eric goes quiet. Hyde is right, he’s known he’s lived like this for as long as he can remember. He’s known his mom was the way she is since middle school. “That's what I thought.” Hyde turns around, heading over and sitting down on his couch, which is falling apart and being held together by duct tape. Eric sighs. _God damnit. Why does he have to be like this? He’s acting like he has something to prove to me. What would he have to prove to me?_ “I know, and I’m sorry.” He takes a few steps towards him. “But I didn’t know it was so bad that it was hurting you like this. If I would've, I would’ve tried to help you sooner.” He carefully sits next to him, worried that the couch might not be able to handle their combined weight. “Oh.” Is all Hyde says as he sits forward with his elbows on his knees and runs his hands across his face. “I care about you, man.” Eric once again sets a hand on his shoulder. “And I keep touching you because I want you to know I’m here, like, really here. And I’m not going anywhere.” He didn’t know Forman could be so nice. Obviously he’s a nice guy, but Hyde really had no idea. _Don’t be vulnerable. Don’t do this to yourself. You remember the last time you were vulnerable and it ended in you weighing the value of your own life. You will not do this again. Shut this crap down, right the hell now._ “Thanks, but I’m fine.” Hyde pushes Eric’s hand away once more, hopping over the couch, slipping into his room and closing the door in Eric’s face. 

_Hyde is so damn confusing._ Eric thinks to himself as he turns around and walks into the kitchen to turn out the forgotten light. When he returns to the dark living room, he’s just about to grab the door handle to leave, but he can’t. He turns around and goes into Hyde’s room. Besides his dresser being in front of his door, and having too much furniture for the space, Hyde’s room is the cleanest place in the house. His laundry is in a bag beside his dresser, he has a garbage can, his record player is neatly sitting on a stack of albums, and his porno mags are in a neat stack next to that. There isn’t much clutter at all, apart from the couple beer cans and the ashtray with some leftover joint butts in it. He makes all of these observations in seconds, before Hyde jumps up from his bed and grabs him by the collar. “What are you doing in here?” He shoves him back towards the door. “Get out, man!” Eric stumbles into the dresser, the corner knifing into his shoulder blade. “Ah!” He cries out, grabbing his shoulder and folding away from the sharp edge. “Ah, crap...” He winces, the stinging pain lingering. “I’m so sorry!” Hyde grabs his shoulders and holds him still. “Are you okay?” He goes from angry and bitter to soft and remorseful as fast as he didn’t think when pushing his friend.

“What the hell, man?” Eric snaps at him, jerking himself from Hyde’s grip. “I didn’t mean to, I'm s-” “No, no. No. This whole night I’ve just been trying to help you and you just keep shoving me away. I’m just worried about you and you’re treating me like crap.” He opens the door and gets halfway out before sticking his head back into Steven’s room. “Screw you.” He climbs over the couch, shoulder still aching, and angrily marches home. Hyde falls back, sitting down at the end of his bed and just staring at the empty space in front of him. _You are such a fucking idiot. You are a piece of crap. You just lost a friend._ He slowly lies down on his back, then turns onto his side, pulling his knees up into his chest and curling in on himself. _Eric hates me now. He’s never gonna like me again. I hurt him. I pushed him into my dresser and I hurt him. Oh God, he hates me he hates me he hates me!_ His chest aches and his eyes burn, but he doesn’t let himself cry. _You’re worthless. All he was trying to do was make sure that you would be okay and see if he could help you and you just kept hurting him. Who does that?_ He grabs a pillow from the top of the bed and pulls it over his head. _I suck so fucking much. I’m human garbage._ He throws the pillow at the wall, knocking a picture frame down and races out the door. _Fuck being here._

His pace is fast as he walks through the neighbourhood, not feeling the chilly night air as much as before, his mind racing once again. _Fuck everything, man. Fuck hating myself. He deserved that. He came into my room after I basically told him to go. He was trespassing. Also, fuck hating myself for other reasons. Screw that. I’m great. What do I even need Eric for? He’s never gonna be able to actually be there for me. Only I’m gonna be here for me. I’m all I’ve got. Especially considering…_ He stands at the door to room number 6 of the small Point Place motel, anxiously awaiting an answer. The door opens and suddenly he is no longer alone. “Steve… wasn’t expecting you to actually show…” The voice is somehow soft and gravelly at the same time, and it gives Hyde butterflies. Smoke swirls out of the room, along with the smell of both weed and cigarettes. “Well, I wasn’t planning on this either but…” he steps forward, connecting their lips and bringing his hand up to the other’s face. The taste of smoke and whiskey floods his mouth as a tongue parts his lips. He pulls away just a moment, hand still resting on cheek. “I needed this.” There’s another voice from inside the room. “Dave? Who’s there?” Steven immediately pulls away, taking a step back as a woman meets them at the door. “Oh, Beth, this is an old friend of mine. I think it’s time for you to get going.” She has dirty blonde hair, and she’s dressed like a cheap whore with a cigarette in one hand, empty wine glass in the other. “So soon?” She wraps an arm around him, the one holding the wine glass. “Why don’t I just join you two?” She nuzzles into his neck, nibbling at it, to which he nudges her away from him. “No. We need to catch up. Alone.” He takes the glass from her, and gestures to her shoes. “I’ll see you again some other time. She sighs, but holds out her hand palm up towards him. He takes out $50 and puts it in her palm. _So she_ _is_ _a cheap whore._

She storms off and Dave invites Hyde in, leading him by the hand towards a couch which sits where there would normally be a second double bed. “So, how are you, handsome?” He brings a hand to Hyde’s waist, making small circles with his thumb. Steven sighs. “I was lonely.” He leans into the older boy when he’s pulled closer. Dave softly kisses the top of his head. “You’re always lonely. Don’t you have friends?” Hyde shrugs. “I do, but…” “But?” “But they’re not… I don’t know. They’re just ‘fun’ friends. We never talk about anything too serious. I hate it when we do too because it’s just not what we do, man. And I guess I’ve been acting weird or something because of this anxiety shit and so they all got concerned and Eric tried to talk to me and I accidentally pushed him into a dresser and-” “Hey, hey…” Dave’s warm hand finds it’s way up and softly caresses Hyde’s cold cheek. “Sounds to me like they care about you. Hey, even a whole year ago, the last time I was here, do you remember?” Hyde looks at him with a questioning brow. “They all came with you to see me play that bar because I was your friend and you didn’t want to go alone.” Hyde shakes his head. “They came because you were going to get me into a bar and therefore I would be able to get drinks. Oh, and the free live music. They don’t care about any of that ‘so you’re not alone’ crap, unless it’s for a girl.” He picks up an empty can from the side table and plays with the tab. 

“Steve, tell me everything that happened tonight with Eric.” Hyde sighs again, pulling away from Dave and flopping back onto the bed. “Well, I spent the night on the couch at his place last night, he offered so I didn’t have to go home, and I ended up sleeping through school. He, and everyone else, woke me up when they all got back, and they had some sort of intervention, asking why I had gotten drunk on a Thursday night and spent the day sleeping on Eric’s couch. I told them to fuck off and I went to work, then when I got back they put on a little show pretending they were all arguing so Eric could tell them to leave and get me alone. He kept bugging me to tell him what was wrong all damn night but I wouldn’t and I finally had enough so I went home and he followed me and then I told him to go away again and went to my room but then he came in my room so I pushed him away and he backed into a dresser and I hurt him and then he said ‘screw you’ and left.” He pauses for a long moment, speaking slowly when he continues. “He just.. left. He probably hates me now.” Hyde flips over, pulling a pillow over his head once again. His chest feels like it’s on fire, and he keeps his eyes shut tightly. He can feel the familiar tremble return to his body and he does his best to stop it. There’s some shifting on the bed before he feels a comforting hand on his back, Dave rubs slowly back and forth, up and down, with just a little pressure. “Breathe, sweetheart.” _I am breathing. How can you not hear me breathing?!_ Hyde takes a deeper breath, slow in, slow out. _That felt good.._ He repeats, slow in, slow out. He keeps doing this, unintentionally timing his breaths with the strokes of Dave’s hand on his back. He begins to rethink his actions and reactions of the past week or so. First, last Saturday. He was shooting hoops in Forman’s driveway. 

_“Hey, Hyde,” Eric raises his hands as a request for the ball to be passed his way, and Hyde complies. He dribbles a moment before taking a shot, which goes in. “Nice shot.” Hyde picks the ball up after it rolls into the garage. They take turns for a while, until Donna comes over. Then they play a game together, and the whole time, Hyde feels like a third wheel. Normally, he wouldn’t, and they’re just doing stuff they normally do, but, watching them be all happy and nice around each other made him mad. “Hey, would you two cut it out?” He steps into the middle of the driveway, holding the ball and facing the couple. “What do you mean?” They look at him, both very confused. “I mean, would you stop? You know,_ _I’m_ _here too.” He puts the ball under his arm and rests his hand on his hip. “Are we doing something?” They’re staring at him like he’s crazy, which he feels like he is, but he also feels like they’re not talking to him as much as they are to each other, that they’re not really interested in interacting with him, that they would be happier if he wasn’t there. “Yeah. You’re being annoying.” He throws the ball at Eric’s chest, and he catches it. “I’m out.” He walks away, ignoring their protests and questions._

He thinks carefully, and comes to the conclusion that he had been completely wrong. They were all literally just playing a game of Horse, and nothing was different. Nothing had changed from when they had played before, it was just like when they were kids, only now they were taller, and a little better. Well, actually, it was more than that. Now it was hard to be just friends when you had real, actual feelings that made you see everything through that lens. Next, at lunch on Tuesday.

_“Forman, for the last time, I am not going.” Eric grabs Hyde by the shoulder. “But come on, Hyde! It’ll be super fun.” Kelso chimes in. “Yeah, it will! We can all go there and hang out and no one will be around to tell us we’re bein’ too loud or.. or to stop havin’ fun! You gotta come.” Hyde sighs. “We have a math test on Friday and I’m gonna flunk the class if I don’t study for it. Besides, what would be so different about hanging out there versus hanging out in your basement? We’ll all be there, but we won't have any place to sit, we’ll have no music, and it’ll be freezing cold. In case you guys weren’t aware, it’s November now, and we live in Wisconsin, which means that it’s fucking cold at night. I’d rather hang out with Fez’s host parents.” “I think you might change your mind after a few minutes with them.” Fez replies, Hyde stares at him with dead eyes for only a moment before Fez hunches his shoulders in and looks down at his lunch, realizing he shouldn’t have spoken. “Fine then. We’ll all go without you. You can stay in the basement alone while we go make out with girls.” Hyde wants to throw something, but he has nothing to throw, so he just slams a hand on the table, using it to help him stand before marching away._

That one hurt. Eric did apologize after, and they didn’t end up going because Hyde was right, but he didn’t have to say what he did. Then, there was Wednesday, at The Hub.

_“Kelso, I cannot believe you. You just let me hang up on you and you don’t even call me back? I thought we went over this before.” Hyde had had a rough night Tuesday. He couldn’t stay at Eric’s because the basement door ended up locked, so he hid under his blankets in his room while his mother and her boyfriend, if you could call him that, drank, smoked, had sex, drank some more, and then fought until he left the house at around 3am. When he had come in, Edna had yelled at him about some stuff that wasn’t really important before telling him to ‘just go to his room and keep quiet’. He always shouted back at her, pretending like his chest wasn’t burning, or that his throat wasn’t tight, his eyes stinging as an empty threat of tears. He barely ever cried, not that he didn’t feel like it a lot of the time. “I ran out of quarters!” Kelso throws up his hands in exasperation. “Well why didn’t you say that?” “Because you hung up on me!” “Would you two quit fighting for like, two minutes?!” Hyde snaps, smacking his magazine onto his lap. He was tired and he was done with listening to Kelso and Jackie. “This is between Jackie and I, Hyde. So how about you stay out of it?!” “Why don’t you fuck off, Kelso?” Hyde stands, and Kelso sinks back into his seat as an attempt to escape Hyde’s threatening glare. The anger was never directed towards him, and he felt bad about it almost as soon as he did it. His heart ached as he felt the stares of all of his friends, as well as the few other teens in the restaurant, as he knew they were disappointed and confused. He softened, thinking about sitting back down, but instead headed for the door. “No, you know what, I’ll go.” He stepped just outside the door, closing it gently behind him as he ran a hand over his flushed face before leaving to go anywhere but there._

He ended up apologizing later when they had all gone back to Eric’s, and no one said anything more about it, but it still bothered him that he did it in the first place. “I just keep… I keep being such a dick to them and I don’t know why.” He thinks harder, but comes up with no answer. “Well, have you talked to anyone about being anxious besides a little to me on that drunk phone call a couple months ago?” Hyde shakes his head. “Well maybe,” Hyde feels him lay down next to him so he turns his head to face him and Dave moves his other hand to cup his cheek, the one on his back still softly rubbing back and forth, up and down. “You’re lashing out because you’re afraid of being vulnerable, and showing that you’re anxious in any given situation is vulnerability.” Hyde hates his stupid face. He wants to hit him. _He’s right._ “Fuck off.” He says it passively and bites his lip, looking away to break the eye contact that he had let himself fall into. 

He doesn’t know why he trusts Dave so much, he probably shouldn’t considering he doesn’t know him super well, but he does know that when they went to hook up, and Hyde let it slip that he hadn’t ever been with a guy before, he was the most kind, gentle and patient that he possibly could. He made him feel like he didn’t deserve it, and when Hyde voiced that as a concern, he made him feel like he did. He always called with a motel number whenever he was staying somewhere for a while so that Hyde would have someone to talk to if he needed to ask a question or rant. Hyde rarely called, apart from the previously mentioned drunk phone call, and one other time when he needed to ask him which side it was that a guy would wear an earring on that meant he was gay. It was the right, as Hyde thought, which meant that his hypothesis was correct. He had called from a party after he had been talking with a guy he was kinda into who was wearing a single earring. They ended up leaving together, and Hyde had never been so glad he had picked up a phone. 

Dave leans in and kisses him gently, his lips are slightly chapped, but somehow it manages to be one of the softest kisses he has ever received. He melts into Dave’s touch, the warmth spreading through him causing him to forget everything about the night, and for once, he lets himself be taken care of. Dave sits up, and Hyde rolls onto his back, allowing Dave to straddle him on the bed. Dave reconnects their lips, tracing soft circles with a delicate finger along Hyde’s shoulder and down his arm. Hyde reaches a hand up to touch Dave’s cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forth. The feeling of his smooth skin under his calloused finger makes him feel something, the thought of the intimacy of the moment gets to him a little bit. He doesn’t pull away, though. He gives in completely, actually. Tears begin to stream down his face and his breathing becomes uneven; he has never felt like this before, he’s never let himself _feel_ like this before. He decides to just let everything out at once, so he doesn’t have to do this to himself again. He thinks about his mom, how he wants so badly to have some sort of relationship with her but how it’s really just not possible. He thinks about how his friends actually care about him way more than he could have ever expected; even Jackie was there to make sure he was okay. Then, he thinks about Eric.

His chest aches, his face is flushed and his breath is caught in his tight throat. Dave pulls away from the kiss, pulling Hyde into a tight embrace, carefully threading a hand into his hair and softly playing with it. Hyde buries his face deep into his shoulder, silently sobbing, his chest heaving. He bites down hard on his lip to keep himself from making any noise. “I’m here for you. Just let it out, baby.” He can’t stop thinking about Eric. All he had truly, subconsciously wanted in the moment he had walked through his bedroom door was to hold him and thank him for staying, but instead he shoved him away because he knew that was something that just wasn’t going to happen. He hated Donna and her stupid pretty face and her dumb great personality. He hated how Eric was just so goddamn loveable. He cries until there are no tears left, and he can barely breathe anymore. He feels exhausted, but somehow he feels so much better. “Shh. Breathe, love.” Dave continues to play with his hair, and Hyde eventually catches his breath and relaxes into his touch once more. Once he’s settled down, Dave rolls off of him, laying his head on Hyde’s chest and resting his arm over his stomach. “How about we get some rest, yeah?” Hyde nods, and after a few long moments of laying this way, they do just that. Hyde gets up, removing his uncomfortable jeans and following Dave as he climbs under the blankets. He curls up next to him, allowing himself to be held once more as they fall fast asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Hyde wakes up ready to go. He needs to talk to Eric, he decides, and gets out of bed almost as soon as he’s awake. He needs to apologize, he needs to make sure that they remain at least friends, since he knows they can’t be more than that. He pulls his jeans back on, writing Dave a quick ‘thank you’ on the pad of paper next to the telephone before heading out the door into the sunny Saturday morning. The air is still cold and damp from yesterday’s rain but the warmth of the sun on Hyde’s face is all he needs. He walks straight to Eric’s, not caring about the fact he’s wearing yesterday’s clothes. It’s only just after nine, and as Hyde is nearing Eric’s house, he’s worried that he might still be at the breakfast table. His worries fade however when he sees Mr. Forman in the garage, putting some sort of fluid into the Toyota. He heads straight downstairs to find Eric alone watching Saturday morning cartoons, and it’s not until Eric turns to face him, their eyes meeting, that he realises just how unprepared he was going into this.

Eric’s gaze is more of a glare, but neither of them say anything as Hyde awkwardly stands in the doorway, slowly closing it behind him. “Hey Forman.” he manages after a suffocating 10 seconds of silence. “What are you doing here?” Eric questions angrily, looking him up and down, then resuming their eye contact. Hyde feels like running again, but forces himself to close the distance between them, taking a seat next to Eric on the couch as he speaks. “I wanted to apologize…” Once he’s seated, he fiddles with his hands, looking back and forth between them, Eric, and the television. Eric leans forward and shuts it off, but he still looks annoyed. “Okay. Go ahead.” His tone is snappy, and Hyde can feel just how much he fucked up. “I’ve been a dick to you these past few days and you don’t deserve it. You just wanted to help and I…” Hyde sighs and focuses on his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t look back up, and Eric doesn’t speak.

He hates this damn silence, and he feels Eric deserves to hear more anyways, so he decides to keep talking. “Home isn’t great for me right now. I mean, when is it ever, but… now it’s especially not. I don’t know what it is but every single guy that she brings home is a piece of shit, they drink and fight almost all of the time. Just last week the neighbours called the cops on them, I don’t know how no one at school was talking about it. I had to pick her up from a holding cell last tuesday morning, that’s why I was late to history. I almost liked it better when she kept disappearing, but she needed money for rent so she took the lunch lady job at school and now she’s home all of the time after school and on weekends because she can’t just run off for weeks at a time. Oh, and yesterday when I had stopped by before work to get some shit I got in the middle of one of their fights, and I almost got hit by a flying-” “Hyde.” Eric sets a hand on top of his as an interruption to his rambling. “I’m sorry too.” Hyde looks up for the first time in minutes. “I kept pushing you to talk when you clearly didn’t want to. I should have taken the hint.”

Hyde nods, then looks back down at Eric’s hand, which is still on top of his.  _ There he goes with the touchy-feely stuff again _ . Eric goes to pull his hand away but Hyde grabs it before he can. He doesn’t know if he did it on purpose or if it was a subconscious decision that his brain made for him, but he sticks by it as a point that he didn’t mind. “I don’t really like talking about serious shit with you guys, because when I come to hang out I really just want to forget about it all. That and talking about it makes me feel like a chick.” Eric nods, looking slowly between Hyde’s eyes and their connected hands. “Yeah, I get that.” He visibly swallows, confused about why Hyde is holding his hand hostage. “Are we good?” Hyde asks, his worry that they’re still not evident in his tone. “Yeah, man. We’re good.” When Eric says the word, it’s like a key, and Hyde gives Eric his hand back. Eric puts together that Hyde had just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere before he knew whether or not they we’re okay, and smiles to prove that he was sincere.

“Hey,” Eric starts, “I didn’t get the chance to mention, but Buddy sat with us at lunch yesterday and apparently his mom is gone with his dad on a business trip this weekend so he’s having a party at his place, and he invited us all to go, if we wanted.” Hyde shakes his head with a smirk on his face. “Yeah, Forman. He invited all of you. I don’t think he’d be the most impressed if I showed up too.” He scoffs, and Eric frowns. “Actually…” Eric pauses and Hyde shakes his head once more. “He mentioned for us to invite you too.” Hyde raises an eyebrow and slightly cocks his head to the side. “Seriously?” Eric nods. “Yeah. It’s probably just going to be us Donna and Kelso, though. It’s homework night for Jackie and Fez’s host parents are taking him on a sight-seeing trip this weekend. If you wanted to come, that is.” Hyde imagines it. He’ll be spending the whole night with Kelso complaining about Jackie, how he should break up with her and how he could pick up a bunch of different chicks at the party if it wasn’t for her. 

“Why not.” He also realises he has nothing better to be doing, and a party means “Free alcohol, maybe free pot, a nice house. Sounds great, man.” Eric smiles. He’s glad Hyde agreed to come. To be honest, he had been as surprised as Hyde was to have Buddy ask for Hyde to come.

_ Just as everyone finishes talking about the plan of attack with Hyde, Buddy waltzes over with that nice smile of his and plops down on the bench next to Eric. “Hey guys!” They all say hello. “So my parents are out of town, my mom actually decided to leave me be and go with my dad on this business trip of his, and so my house is going to be empty for the weekend. Instead of sitting around and being bored I decided to have a party Saturday night! Did you guys want to come?” They all perk up. “That sounds awesome!” Kelso says what they’re all thinking. “Well you’re all welcome. It’ll start around 8. Make sure you tell your friend Hyde he can come, too. I don’t want to leave anyone out.” He smiles at Eric, who nods. “Thanks, Buddy.” “Oh, and don’t worry about drinks, those will be provided. But if you have weed or something, you’re welcome to bring that.” He winks before standing, patting Eric on the shoulder and walking away. “I cannot believe Buddy just invited you guys to a party.” Jackie voices her disbelief. “Yeah, me neither.” Eric agrees. _

They watch TV for a while, Donna comes over. They watch some more TV. There wasn’t much to do, honestly. Despite the bright sunny morning, the day soon turned as cloudy and cold as the previous one, and no one felt like doing much of anything. Later in the afternoon, Kelso came over, and they decided to continue to do nothing. Kelso mentioned breaking up with Jackie, and that this party would give him the perfect opportunity to talk to some new girls, and Donna talked about how since there was free alcohol they were probably all going to get pretty drunk and they needed to figure out how they would get home. 

They ended up calling Jackie, and she agreed to stay up (there was a televised marathon on of her favourite show that she was planning to watch after she finished her homework anyways) and drive them all home afterwards, mostly just because she wanted to make sure Michael got home safe. Donna rolled her eyes at that, though she didn’t really expect any more of her. Eventually, it was around 7:30, and they started their walk over to Buddy’s. No one wanted to leave their car there, and Jackie was not going to drive them there and back as she was already doing her homework, so that left them no other option.

Upon arriving at Buddy’s, there are already about 30 people there. He greets them when they walk in, happily showing them to the kitchen where a bunch of people are gathered around the fridge. Hyde can just barely see past them; inside there is a crapload of beer, and various bottles of brown and clear alcohol. Buddy nudges Hyde. “Did you bring any pot? I’d kinda kill for a joint right now.” It clicks as soon as he asks why Buddy had told Eric to bring him. He was going to use him for drugs. To be fair, the only reason Hyde came was to use him for free alcohol, but it still made him a little mad. “You wanna like, I dunno, let me take off my coat first?” He glares at him a little, and he can tell Buddy feels bad realising what he had just done. “I’m sorry, man. That was kinda rude of me, wasn’t it?” “Yeah,” Hyde scoffs. “And just because I  _ look _ like I have pot, doesn’t mean I do.” “But… you do.” Kelso chimes in, and Hyde frogs him. “Shut up, Kelso!”

Eric sighs.  _ Why did I think this was going to go smoothly? I really thought they might just get along for one night but of course, I was wrong. Why would I think that anyways? I really am a dumbass.  _ “If you didn’t bring enough to share it’s-” “You can smoke up with us if you want. As long as it’s only you. I can’t spare too much or I won’t have any for later.” Everyone is surprised that Hyde changed his mind, including Hyde. “Woah, Hyde, are you… being cool to Buddy?” Donna asks, smiling and chuckling a little. “Yeah, well. He invited me here and there’s free booze, so.” He shrugs. “Where did you want to go?” “Follow me.” They head out into his garage, which is somehow almost as warm as the house, and along with housing his and what must be his mom’s car, it has an extra space and a small seating area. “Sit down, make yourselves comfortable.”

They sit in a circle around the table, all sharing two joints that Hyde rolled while they all sat and chatted. “So, Buddy,” Kelso starts. “The rumour is, you’re gay.” Everyone sighs. “Kelso,” Eric starts, but he continues anyway. “But I said, there’s no way, because in all the times that you’ve been around me, you’ve never come on to me. And no one can resist this.” He gestures to his body. Buddy just laughs and shakes his head, not saying anything. “Kelso, no one wants that.” Hyde deadpans, taking another drag from the half-done joint. “Uh, excuse me,  _ everyone _ does. Did you see all of those girls in the kitchen staring at me?” Buddy keeps laughing, and it becomes contagious, Donna beginning to laugh as well. “I’m pretty sure they were looking at Hyde, Kelso.” Donna says, and Buddy nods. “Yeah, they all know he hates me so they didn’t expect him to come.” Hyde shakes his head, frowning a little. 

“I don’t hate you.” He passes the joint to Buddy. “Really? Because it sure seems like it.” “Yeah, man. You sure had some strong opinions when I told you I made friends with him.” Eric chimes in. “I just hate how you have like, everything handed to you, man. You have a car, you’re gonna go to whatever college you want. And you don’t have to worry about anything because your parents have money. And they love you, don’t they? Lucky bastard.” he picks up a ping pong ball that was in a cup on the table for beer pong, and he tosses it at the wall. Everyone goes quiet for a moment.   
  
“Well,” Buddy shifts in his seat, and he turns to face Hyde completely. “They would absolutely disown me, and I would lose everything, including their love, if they found out I was gay.” Kelso gasps. “You  _ are _ gay?!” Donna smacks his shoulder. “Quiet down, Kelso! Did you not just hear what he said?!” Buddy shakes his head. “It’s fine. No one will hear him, the music is too loud.” This is the first time the whole night that Buddy’s not been smiling longer than 10 seconds. Hyde nods. “I know. If my mom found out, the only thing she’d have to take away would be me being able to stay in her house, which wouldn’t really be much of a-” “You- what?” Eric looks at Hyde with a surprised and confused expression. Hyde laughs. “Hypothetically, Forman. Calm down.”

Hyde had barely realised he slipped up like that, but he couldn’t believe himself. Despite being pretty damn high, which generally helps with his anxiety, and well, everything, he feels that familiar heat creep up his neck, his heart racing. He couldn’t believe that he had said that. “Oh.” He expected Eric to look relieved, for some reason, but he absolutely was not ready for him to look disappointed.  _ Don’t get my hopes up, dumbass! _ “So, you’re not gay, right?” Donna asks, also looking very confused. She looked like she was a little too high, and Hyde was a little worried about her going home later. He was pretty sure it would wear off before Jackie would be taking them all home, but he was worried that it might not, and she’d have to try and face her dad like that.

He looks between her, Eric, Buddy and Kelso. Kelso is staring off into space, barely blinking, and he had a stupid smile on his face like he’s watching a show that only he can see. Eric and Buddy are both staring at him, waiting for him to answer. It seems like maybe he had shared the joints a little bit more with Kelso and Donna than he had with Eric and Buddy. “No, ‘course not.” He stretches before standing. “Anyone want a beer?” Kelso keeps staring at nothing, but everyone else answers with various forms of yeses. He heads to the kitchen, but on the way there, in the mudroom, there are two girls making out. Hyde only stops for a moment, but the garage door slams behind him, causing them to rip away from each other. They stare at him like deer in headlights, completely frozen, before one jumps for the door into the rest of the house. 

She slams it shut, locking it, and the other girl does the same to the garage door. “Don’t yell, please.” The first girl, who he finally recognises as Helen Tompkins, a girl from the cheer squad. Helen grabs him. “Please, please, you can’t say anything.” The other girl, who Hyde could not put a name to, but he thinks he recognises, stands beside Helen. “Please,” she starts, and he can tell how scared they are that they got caught. They’re both freshmen, and it shows in their naivety. “Hey, it’s all good.” Hyde speaks before the girl can finish, and raises his hands in a surrendering gesture. “I’m not gonna tell anyone anything. I just wanna go grab some beers for me and my friends.” Helen slowly lets go of him. “Okay…” Hyde gives them a nod before heading to the other door, which leads to the living room. Before opening it, he turns back to them. “You should be more careful, though. There’s some real assholes in Point Place.”

_ Jesus. Doesn’t anyone know what happens to queers in rural Wisconsin? _ He grabs the beers, and some guy stops him on his way back. “Hey, where do you think you’re going with all of those?” Hyde is already done with meeting new people at this party. “The garage. Is there a problem?” The guy crosses his arms. “Yeah, what the hell are you even doing here? Buddy couldn’t have invited you. Did Forman smuggle you in?” Hyde shakes his head. “Nah, man. I was invited.” Hyde wants an out, but he’s a little too high to be clever. “You’re Steven Hyde, right? What’s your problem with Buddy, huh?” Hyde rolls his eyes. “I’m just a dick, man. Can I go now? I think he’s gonna want this cold…” The guy raises an eyebrow. “There is no way one of those is for him.” Hyde shrugs. “Well it is. You’re welcome to follow me if you don’t believe me.” He heads toward the garage, but the guy grabs him by the shoulder, making him fumble and drop one of the cans. “I don’t think so.”

Hyde sighs, turning around and setting the rest on a table that’s just to his right. “Are you looking to fight?” He’s pretty sure this guy is a football player, and that he’d probably get crushed if that’s what this comes to. “Yeah, man. I don’t like seeing your face around here.” he rolls up the sleeves of his flannel, and Hyde sighs. He hopes that someone might come looking for him since he isn’t back yet.

“It’s locked, what the hell?” Buddy bangs on the garage door. “Hey, let us in!” No one answers and he sighs. “Who the hell locked the door?” Buddy jimmies the handle as if it’s going to magically unlock when he does. “Hello?!” Eric sets a hand on his shoulder. Hyde will be back soon, man. He’ll let us in.” “Eric, it’s been like, 5 minutes. It takes 30 seconds to get to the fridge.” Eric frowns. “Do you think... something happened?” Buddy shrugs, sitting down on the two steps in front of the door. “I dunno, but I hope not. There’s a few people here that kind of hate him, they think he’s an asshole.” “Why?” “Just because he’s rude to me, and I’m nice, so they think it’s unwarranted and unfair. I dunno, man. I don’t know if they’d do anything.”   


The room is spinning a little as Hyde holds onto the arm of the couch, his nose throbbing with pain. “Fuck…” he says under his breath, wiping the blood that dribbles down his face with the bottom of his black Pink Floyd tee. “Really? One hit all it takes to get you down, Hyde?” The guy takes a step towards him, and he swings back, connecting with the guy’s jaw. It hurts his knuckles, but he plays it off as if it was nothing. The guy recoils, stumbling a bit before coming back at Hyde. “Henry!” He hears a familiar voice come from behind him somewhere. “Helen? What are you doing here?” The freshman girl from the mud room rushes over and stands between them. Right, Henry Tompkins. He does play football, and every other sport. “Trying to have fun. What are you doing?” “Giving this asshole what he deserves.” he tries to push her out of his way, but she doesn’t let him. “He’s not an asshole. He’s a good guy. Stop it!” Hyde takes this opportunity to grab the beers and get out of there. He even manages to grab the one off of the floor. He makes it to the garage, but Henry ends up being right behind him. “Hey, I’m back with beer.” Everyone stares at Hyde.

“Dude! You’re bleeding!” Eric rushes over to him. “What happened?” Buddy stands and faces him, concerned. “Are you okay?” Hyde hands them a beer each, and nods. “I’m fine.” he holds his can up to his face for a few moments before Henry steps up behind him. “I’m not finished with you- Buddy?” He becomes instantly apologetic. “Oh, shit, Steven I am so sorry! I had no idea that-” Hyde cuts him off by raising a hand up in his face. “It’s whatever, man. I probably deserved it.” Henry stands there awkwardly for a moment before quickly leaving.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hyde shrugs. “I mean I’m still bleeding, but other than that I’m fine.” It’s Eric’s turn to worry over Hyde now; he sets his beer down, and rests a hand on Hyde’s arm. “Why don’t we go get you cleaned up?” “Sure.” Hyde doesn’t feel like arguing, and he doesn’t really want any more blood on his clothes. “There’s a bathroom just to the left of where you came in.”

The two navigate through the crowd of people in the living room and the few in the hall. There must be more than 100 people now, which was a little bit surprising since they hadn’t gotten there that long ago. They find their way to the bathroom, Hyde sits on the counter while Eric dampens a dark face cloth and begins gently wiping away the blood from his face. “I feel like a chick.” Hyde remarks, and it makes Eric chuckle a little. “Why’d that guy even hit you anyways?” Hyde shrugs. “Something about I’m a dick to Buddy and I shouldn’t be here or something. I dunno man, and honestly, I’m too high to give a shit.” 

He looks into Eric’s eyes, and Eric looks back at him, a warm smile on his face. It crosses his mind that he doesn’t want to forget that smile, because it was just for him, and it’s so soft and pure, but he knows he’s inevitably going to forget by tomorrow. Eric’s expression suddenly switches to one of concern. “Dude, your glasses!” Hyde raises an eyebrow, then realises that he’s not got them on anymore. He frowns before putting a hand on the collar of his shirt, and sure enough, they’re hanging from it. He grabs them to show Eric that ‘they’re right here’ without a word, and Eric goes right back to smiling like the idiot that he is. He giggles and Hyde thinks it’s just so damn cute.

“What?” Eric is still smiling a little, but he also looks confused. “What, what?” Eric blinks at him as if he’s dumb, and he keeps giggling. “Did you just call me cute?” Hyde starts laughing too because it becomes contagious. “Did I?” “Yeah, man, I think you did.” The two laugh for a little while before Hyde speaks once more. “Well, you are.” Wish You Were Here is playing, muffled by the walls and closed door of the bathroom as Eric and Hyde stare at each other, smiling like idiots. Neither of them can really believe Hyde had just said that, but neither of them care. 

Eric sets a hand on Hyde’s shoulder and Hyde completely tenses up. He’s looking at him like he’s about to do something he’ll regret if he remembers tomorrow but Hyde doesn’t want to stop him. He’s ready to have his heart broken, he thinks maybe it will be easier to get over Eric that way, if he kisses him once and then completely turns him down. Like he did with Buddy, only Hyde is pretty sure he likes Eric a whole hell of a lot more than Buddy did. Eric leans in, and Hyde closes his eyes, ready for what he believes will be their first and last kiss. 

“We should probably get back to-”  _ Are you fucking kidding me? _ Hyde is pissed that he was wrong, so he forces himself to be right. He closes the distance between them, cupping Forman’s cheek with his right hand, softly resting his left on his waist. He feels Eric tense completely, but he doesn’t move from his gentle grasp. He just stands there, dumbstruck that Hyde is kissing him. After what feels like an eternity to both of them, but in reality was only a few seconds, Hyde pulls away from the kiss, but leaves his hands where they are.

Eric just stares at him, still stuck in place. “Wha- why… why did you… do that?” Hyde bites his lip as he feels heat spread across his face and chest, his mouth becoming very dry. “Wanted to know what it was like.” He surprises himself as he manages to speak coolly despite having the urge to throw himself off of a cliff or crumple into a heap and cease to exist. “Well, what was it like?” Hyde’s brow furrows as he tries to think of a response. “You were there.” He replies callously, trying to rip his feelings out of the situation. Eric looks down in thought.

He feels so weird. He doesn’t know if it's the weed or if something in him changed but he feels very, very weird. His heart is beating fast, he feels nervous and the pit of his stomach feels warm. The feeling is familiar, but it feels foreign in the situation. This is absolutely not how he felt when Buddy had kissed him. His brain told him that it should be the same, but every other part of him told him that this was completely different, but he was so confused as to how it could be.

He had known Hyde for most of his life and he had never had feelings like this for him before. It was so damn confusing, how could he feel this way? He liked Donna, he had feelings for her, he’d had feelings for girls, he wasn’t gay.  _ Where the hell did this come from? _ He needed to do it again, as an experiment. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe it was because Hyde had caught him off guard. He looks back up at him for a moment before leaning in and kissing him back.

It feels familiar and foreign at the same time, Hyde’s lips are chapped, and he has some stubble, but the feelings remain as he warmly and deeply kisses back. Hyde strokes his thumb softly against Eric’s smooth cheek, and lightly squeezes his waist. Eric sets a careful hand on Hyde’s thigh, the other finding its way to the arm that’s resting against his side. He’s tense before he releases a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding in, then he allows himself to relax into Hyde’s touch a little bit. He was still confused and on edge, he didn’t understand what was happening, but he did understand that he didn’t want it to stop.

He’s enjoying the feeling of being held so delicately, and he leans further into it despite the part of his brain that tells him this is wrong in every sense of the word that’s aching for him to pull away. Hyde is the first one to break them apart, and he looks at Eric with a very hard and serious expression. “How was that for you?” Eric opens his mouth to reply but he really has no idea what to say. Hyde looks like he’s going to kill him, or himself, if he says anything other than that he’s gay now, but he really just doesn’t know. This is uncharted territory, and Eric is the least experienced adventurer.

“I don’t know.” Eric feels trapped in Hyde’s gaze, and he was quite literally trapped in his grasp, which no longer feels delicate, if feels desperate and firm even though it hasn’t changed at all. Hyde continues to stare at him, and Eric knows he wants more of an answer but he has no clue what to say. He decides to do what he does best and be a smart ass. “You were there.” Eric laughs nervously, but Hyde’s expression doesn’t really change. Eric thinks his eyes look sadder, and it makes his heart ache like he has never felt before to see Hyde look that way. “I- I liked it. It was good. I just… I’m really confused and honestly super overwhelmed right now.” 

With every word that continues to fall out of Eric’s mouth Hyde looks more and more disappointed, but he can’t stop himself. “I mean I’ve never felt that with any guy before, and I’d never felt like that for you before, I thought I only liked girls, and I’m not gay, or, at least I didn’t think I was. I like Donna, and other girls, girls are great, but I, you... I…” he looks into Hyde’s eyes again and he feels like his heart is falling apart now. He looks like Eric just told him that he could only listen to disco for the rest of his life.

Hyde blinks slowly, his face red, and his throat tight. Eric is standing in front of him, telling him that he felt something in that kiss, and even though it’s everything Hyde could have hoped for coming out of the extremely daring act he had done, he feels like it’s still not right. That Eric is going to walk back to Donna and pretend this never happened. That he’s going to be just a friend forever, and it’s suffocating him. He wants to tell Eric to choose Donna, because it’ll be easier, and if he makes that choice right now Hyde won’t have any time to hope, but all he can do is stare at Eric’s stupid face.

He sighs deeply, taking both of Eric’s hands in his own and looking down at them. They’re soft, and Hyde thinks that he could hold them forever if given the opportunity. He feels the words on the tip of his tongue but he just can’t bring himself to say them. He can’t do that to Eric, he can’t just guilt him into choosing him, because he knows that’s exactly what would happen if he did say what he wanted to. He also doesn’t want to because it would make him extremely vulnerable, and he would never do that to himself.

All of a sudden, Eric yanks his hands from Hyde’s and backs away from him. “Why did you have to do that?!” He shouts at him, and he can hear the hurt and confusion in his voice. Hyde continues to look down, he cannot face him, he’s on the verge of tears. “Huh? Are you just going to sit there and look all sad or are you gonna answer me?” Hyde bites his lip harder, beginning to taste iron for the second time that night. He doesn’t know what to say. _I did it because I love you, dumbass._ _No, no. That’s what I decided not to say. I did it because… because… god damnit. You kinda backed me into a corner here, Forman._

Eric throws a towel at his head. “What the hell, man?!” He shouts again. Hyde tenses, his anxiety spiking. “I don’t know!” He shouts back, a fair bit louder than the volume of Eric’s voice. He throws the towel back, hitting Eric in the chest. He’s barely keeping it together, he can feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He feels claustrophobic in the comparatively small space of the bathroom, and all he can think is that he needs air. 

He stands, rushing out of the restroom and out the front door, stopping and sitting on the steps. No one was outside, probably because it was freezing cold out, and Hyde couldn’t be happier about it. He pulls his knees into his chest, burying his face into them. “God damnit…” Tears spill down his face, he tries not blinking so that they just stay in his eyes, but he can’t help it. He hates this so much. 

_ Eric will never be able to look at me the same now. He’s going to hate me forever. Why couldn’t I just agree with him, say ‘yeah, we probably should head back now, huh?’ instead of being a selfish asshole? What the fuck is wrong with me, anyways? Why do I have feelings for my  _ _ friend _ _? Why can’t I just fucking get over him, just move on, find someone else? I like chicks, too! I could have a normal fucking life if I wanted, but no, I fall for my stupid best friend like this is a teen romance movie. What the fuck is wrong with me. _

Eric just stands in the bathroom holding the towel that Hyde threw back at him, staring at himself in the mirror. The door is open now, Twist and Shout blares through the house, and Eric thinks that this is the most inappropriate time for The Beatles. He wants to go shut it off, but he knows he can’t. He wants to follow Hyde, but he knows he should just give him his space, he had tried the whole ‘following him’ thing last night, and it didn’t go super well. He rolls his lip between his teeth as he tries to come to a decision on what to do. 

“Eric?” The familiar voice comes from the door, and Eric turns to face it. “Oh, hey Donna.” He knows that he’s pale, his voice sounds distant even to him and looks like he’s sick, because that’s how he feels. He feels like he just ruined their friendship, or anything between them. She still looks unbalanced and woozy, but he thinks that she can tell that he’s not in a great mood. “Is Hyde okay?” She asks as she walks a bit closer.

“I… I dunno.” He can’t look at her. Part of him feels like that didn’t count as anything, but it’s a really small part. The rest of him is screaming that he kinda just completely betrayed her trust. Again. “Well where is he?” He looks up, and he feels like he has ‘I kissed Hyde’ written all over his face. “Uh, I dunno.” She shakes her head and looks at him confused and slightly frustrated. “What happened?” He opens his mouth, and all he can do is stare at her. He feels his throat tighten. He doesn’t know what to say, he wants to tell her, but even he doesn’t really know what happened. All he knows is they kissed each other and he kinda wants to do it again.

He stares at her for a long while before handing her the towel and leaving her standing there just like Hyde had done to him. He walks around looking for him a while before realizing that he may have left, and he worries because he didn’t think that he would have gone back for his jacket if that was the case, and it is way too cold out not to have a jacket. He quickly heads back for the front door, but Donna stops him on his way. “Hey, what the hell was that?” Eric stops for a moment. “I’ll explain later.” He pushes past her and she just stands there confused as he walks away.

“Hyde?” Eric asks quietly as he shuffles over to the huddled up boy with the curly hair that’s sitting on the step. “Go away, Forman.” His voice is rough and scratchy like he had been crying, which makes Eric feel even worse about this whole thing. “What are you doing out here without a jacket?” He plops down next to him, taking off his overshirt and wrapping it over Hyde’s shoulders. His hand brushes his arm and it feels as cold as the stone step he’s sitting on. “Trying to be alone, but you’re ruining it.” Hyde bites the inside of his cheek, he’s already messed everything up, he really doesn’t want to do any more damage.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you.” Eric is trying to coax him out of his little ball. “I just… you really messed me up, man.” His voice is soft and remorseful, he wraps an arm around Hyde’s shoulder and leans into him. Hyde is tense, he really wants to pull away and get out of there, he hates what Eric’s doing to him right now, but he’s just so warm. “I can’t stop thinking about how it felt, though. I… it was kind of great.” Eric stares at Hyde, who still doesn’t move from his little ball. “Can you spare me a little here Forman?” He speaks calmly as he finally looks up, but Eric’s heart shatters once again. Hyde’s face is red, his eyes are puffy and watery, his cheeks are damp with tears. “You’re not gonna choose me, so why don’t you spare me this conversation and go back to Donna?” 

Eric thought very hard for a moment. He had a super hard decision to make and he had almost no time to make it. On one hand, he could just stand up and walk back to Donna as if nothing happened between him and Hyde, Hyde might be able to get over him and they could go back to being friends, though things would always be a little awkward between them, and Eric would feel awful for doing this to Hyde. On the other hand, he could lean in and kiss him again, hold him close and tell him that he’s going to leave Donna, forget his longtime crush and try this instead. He thinks she would probably get over him more quickly than Hyde would, but he still doesn’t know what to do.

He slowly pulls away, sighing before standing up. “I don’t know if these feelings are really real and I don’t want to mess things up more than I already have. I’m sorry.” His heart aches as he walks away, as he really wanted to just take a risk for once in his life, but he also felt like it could end up being a huge mistake that could ruin his life, and their friendship. He instantly regrets it, but he keeps walking anyway. He stops once he gets to the loud living room, Life on Mars? is playing now and he takes a sad seat on the arm of the couch as everyone around him is chatting, laughing and having fun. He’s startled when Hyde drops his overshirt in his lap without looking at him, and he watches as he heads off toward the kitchen.  _ What did I do? _

Hyde sits on the step for a long moment after Eric leaves. He knew this was going to happen, but he wasn’t emotionally prepared for it. He feels like he can’t breathe anymore, like Eric just walked away with his lungs. No more tears fall, but his eyes continue to sting. His throat is tight, it burns for air and he forces himself to take a long deep breath. He hates that he let himself be so vulnerable, that he let his walls down for even a second. He doesn’t know how he could do that to himself, but somehow he did. 

He stands after a while, the frigid air finally getting to him, and he slips on his sunglasses as he heads inside. He doesn’t want Eric’s shirt anymore, it’s like a cape that’s sole purpose is to remind him of what could have possibly been if he didn’t tell him to go back to Donna. He drops Eric’s shirt in his lap and walks away, not wanting to look at him any more than he had to as every glance burns the memory of their kiss into his thoughts. He heads for the kitchen, spying Buddy with a bunch of cheerleaders and rich girls, all standing around.

“Hey, Hyde man, what’s up?” Buddy wraps an arm around Hyde’s shoulder and all of the girls that are standing around look at him, concerned. “Are you okay? Did something happen?” One asks, he thinks his face must still be red, and he attempts to shrug away his feelings. “Yeah.” He hates how well lit it is everywhere, there's no dark corners for him to hide in. All he really wanted when he came in here was a beer, as his unopened one from earlier was left behind on the table in the garage. “I’m fine.” Buddy can feel how tense he is and he wonders what happened while he and Eric were in the bathroom. 

“Did you go outside?” Buddy asks him, finally feeling his cold skin against his own, both in t-shirts, their skin slightly touching. “Yeah, I needed some air. It’s kinda cold though.” Buddy’s not sure what happened, but he can tell that Hyde does not want to be here anymore. He walks him away from the group they’re standing in and back towards the garage. “Let's go grab your jacket.” Hyde doesn’t protest, and when they get there, he’s happy to see that they’re alone. Kelso must have gone off to try hitting on some girls, and Donna must be looking for Eric. 

Buddy turns to him, looking at him with concern. “Is everything okay?”  _ Why does everyone have to be so goddamn nosy? _ “Yeah, it’s nothing, just made a little mistake. It’ll be fine tomorrow.” He lies not only to Buddy, but to himself. He’s been repeating that in his head for the past few minutes trying to make himself believe it, trying to make this easier on himself. “Are you sure?”  _ Leave me alone. Please. I’m good at lying but I can’t do it forever. I’m so damn tired… _ “Yeah, yeah. I just want to have a couple beers and forget about it.” Buddy stares at him for a moment like he’s trying to read him to figure out what happened, but he apparently comes up with nothing because he sighs and nods. “Okay. Did you want to hang out with me and my friends? I’m kind of assuming it’s something with Eric.” Hyde shrugs. “Do you know where Kelso went?”

Hyde spends the rest of the night as he previously anticipated, watching Kelso strike out with a bunch of different girls and complaining about Jackie. They sit down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen with their backs against the counter, facing the living room. He can see Eric and Donna from across the room, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall, drinking and laughing about something. They kiss for a moment, and when it’s over, Eric glances up and looks over at him, and his expression immediately drops. Donna says something to him, then he looks back at her and fakes a smile. 

Hyde hates himself for liking the fact that Eric is fucked up by this too. He just made him question everything about himself, and Hyde vividly remembers doing the same, how much pain the confusion was to him. It still is, really. He still hates that he has these feelings but he knows they’re not going anywhere so he just kind of accepts it. “Man, this party sucks. I should call Jackie.” “Yeah, you should.” Kelso leaves, returning just a few minutes later. “She’ll be here in like, two minutes, she lives right around the corner. You should go get Eric and Donna.” 

Hyde looks up at Kelso.  _ Can you not see I’ve been avoiding them all night? _ “You go get them. I’m going to wait outside.” “Fine! But I call shotgun!” Hyde hadn’t even thought about the fact he would have to share the backseat with them. Of course Michael is going to sit in the front, it’s his girlfriend.  _ Fuck me. I should just walk home. _ He thinks to himself as he walks out the door and into the cold night once again. He only has a few moments to himself before the others come out, Eric ending up standing right next to Hyde as they wait.

No one says anything for a solid 30 seconds, Donna being the one to finally break the silence. “It’s cold, isn’t it?” Eric nods. “Yeah, I can’t believe you were sitting out here without a coat earlier, Hyde.” He shrugs. “I mean the heat barely works at my place so I’m kinda used to it.” He stares at the ground, shuffling one of his feet around, wanting to be anywhere but next to Eric right now. “Hey, there’s Jackie!” She pulls up, Kelso hops straight into the front seat, and Hyde ends up in the middle of the back because he’s getting dropped off after Donna and Eric.

_ Great. Just fucking great. Now I have to sit in between them like the world's cruellest joke of a sandwich.  _ Eric keeps looking over at him, and it’s all he can do not to look back. He feels his stomach to involuntary somersaults despite the fact he’s so hurt and angry at him. He wants to kiss him and hold him softly again but push him away and punch him in the face at the same time. It's dark in the car, and Donna looks like she’s falling asleep on the window. She looks really pretty, Hyde thinks, and part of him does understand why Eric is choosing her. He has a chance with an amazing and beautiful girl, and he doesn’t want to lose it because he may or may not be a little bit gay for his best friend.

They’ve been in the car about three minutes with about two to go when he feels Eric’s hand grabbing his own. It startles him, and he doesn’t know how to react. He sits there frozen as Eric had when he kissed him, contemplating what he should do. He decides that he can’t do this, no matter how much he wants to, and pulls his hand away. Nothing more happens. Jackie drops Eric and Donna off, then him, driving away with Kelso. Hyde feels the weight of the night’s events as he climbs into bed, pulling the covers up over his head and curling in on himself. 

His heart is still aching, and the familiar tightness creeps into his throat. He hears some shuffling and muffled voices in his mom’s room before she shouts “Oh, go to hell!”. Then, he hears footsteps in the livingroom and the front door slam, leaving the house quiet as he manages to drift to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Despite everything that happened, nothing really changes. The next day, they’re all back in Eric’s basement like nothing happened. It’s hard for Hyde for a little while, looking at Eric and Donna, watching them be happy together. He doesn’t get over it. He can’t, he has no idea how. He thinks maybe if Eric had just shoved him away, told him flat out he was straight, he may have been able to get past it. But knowing that he could have had a chance, he could have finally had something to make his shitty life better, but again, he was left with nothing? It ate him up. But he got used to it. Just like he got used to the fighting, and his mom leaving. He knew that one day he’d have something he wanted, he’d love and be loved in return, and that's what got him through watching Eric and Donna fall more in love in front of him every single day.

For a few months, Eric is really messed up. He stays with Donna, and of course he doesn’t tell her anything, but it’s really eating him up inside. He can’t look at Hyde without wondering what would have happened if he’d not walked away from him on those steps, if he had stayed and held him, taken the risk his heart begged him to. At the same time as he battled these feelings, though, his relationship with Donna got more serious, and eventually, he pushed past his confusion. He accepted that he made the right choice, being with Donna was what was right for him, for them both. He was straight, he always had been. He knew Hyde would eventually pull through, too, find someone else. He seemed to be into girls too, so maybe they could both be normal. It was all for the best.

Besides, everyone knows what happens to queers in rural Wisconsin.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are like extra kudos, feel free to leave one!


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